Tug at my heart & the realization

I read something posted by a fellow Instagram-er this morning about heartbreak. The toxicity of the relationships and being ready for love, for the one. She's ready to settle down with someone that loves her 110% for her. 

This reminded me of the old me, yes in some ways now I would maybe be ready to settle down with someone. It looks further away than it was two years ago. 

This reminded me of my old self, and man, I felt her pain through the words she typed on her phone. I remember waiting and waiting for the love to come - "the one"... I used to wait and try to pursue people with the mindset of marriage as the end goal, or a happily ever after. Don't get me wrong sometimes it's very easy to get to that path for some people, and they're lucky. Some it takes a while longer, or you just never experience it.

I've learned to not lean on as many people because people come and go, people change faster than the seasons changed, even though it's amazing to have a group I can call my homies, to rely on. I've learned my self-worth, and not needing people's approval to know my worth a while ago, but not needing a man to approve of what I wear, or what I do. Nor do I need to act a certain way in order for someone to like me and oh god, I did that two years ago - I wasn't like that before but oh I've been lost but I refound myself. If they like you for you and not just your physical appearance, you've found a diamond in the rough.

I was naive and I look back, two years ago me and who I am now, I've grown and haven't even noticed. I've experienced more, I know how a man should not ever talk to a woman in a disrespectful manner, and I will stand up to whoever disrespects me. The way some men talk to women is absolutely disgusting. But besides that, I know how to stand up for myself (most of the time), and leave an ugly situation or dodge a bullet. I tell my mother, I am not the same daughter you sent to college because the world is opened at the palm of your hand. I've seen more, I've experienced more, I felt more ways... I'm drinking coffee this morning and two years ago - I utterly despised the taste of coffee, but nor did I drink tea often.

I am a bit emotional, and my brain is thinking all over the place, but I'm thankful because I'm not waking up feeling empty today. I'm feeling a little more hopeful for the future than I was yesterday. Sometimes it's amazing to take a step back, jot a few things we're thankful for or emotions we're feeling - good or bad and write them down so your future self and look back and be like damn girl/boy/he/she/it whatever gender you call yourself, who you identify as, see how much you've grown over a few weeks, months, years. You realize how much you've changed by taking a step back, on a night where you're worn out and you need inspiration, take a moment and read it, or when you're in bed in the morning and just want to remind yourself where you've been and where you've gone in life, to look back at the silliest moments but memorable ones you created, or when you're 90 and can't remember all the moments in your life but when you sit down and read it - it all comes back to you.

 

Have a great day wherever you may be,

Amanda